It was a few days before Christmas around the year 2000, in the sleepy town of Madison, Mississppi. Nothing bad ever happens in Madison. Heather and I lived a blessed life. I worked for a big company and got to work with people all over the world. Life was good.
The tree was up, the presents were around the tree. The kids sleeping.
I saw them biting at the hind quarter of the buck that was jumping over my living room couch. It was like slow motion! A sleek, strong deer, being chased by two mighty hunters.
My two mutt dogs were in the living room.
About the dogs…they were completely no-account. They steal food of the kitchen table, steal baby diapers out of the trash, run around making a mess. Remember those dogs from the Christmas Story, that movie? My dogs were like that.
That’s why I thought it was the dogs when I heard the crash at 2:30 am. Noises in the middle of the night are a pain because I always get up and investigate.
I jumped up out of bed, fussing at Heather that “the damn dogs have knocked over the tree again” and walked out to the hall.
I did see the dogs. I saw them biting at the hind quarter of the buck that was jumping over my living room couch. It was like slow motion! A sleek, strong deer, being chased by two mighty hunters.
So i switched into crisis mode.
What does crisis mode entail? Cursing. Like a sailor. That’s step one. In a crisis, Mr. Jeffrey Allegrezza turns into some kind of mix between Waylon Jennings and Superman. Will I do the right thing? Well I’ll do something. And I’ll regress into a real southern man while I do it.
My wife heard a crash, followed by me screaming out cursewords. So she got in the closet with the phone.
Now most of my friends kept telling me that a buck in the house is no big deal. Hell, they hunt bucks all winter! Macho men! “I woulda shot that thing,” they’d say, or “he’d be filling my freezer right now.” I would like to point out that a rack of antlers fills up the entire width of your typical suburban american hallway. An ape shit deer is a voiolent, mass of muscles.
He ran, I ran, the dogs ran. A portable basketball goal was under the tree in its box. It weighed about 70 pounds. I picked it up and hulk threw it at him as he easily dodged. The adrenaline was flowing!
The deer turned on the dogs, putting his anters down at their level and charging. They both tried to hide behind me. The smarter one ran back to the bedroom and got in the closet with Heather.
Next he was hammering at the door of my youngest daughter. She was only six months old. I had to chase him back into the living room. He had antlers. I had…well, the pair of tighty whiteys i was wearning, and my wits. I put my hands on my head to make antlers like little kids do, and charged at him yelling “buga buga buga buga”.
Somehow, that worked. The frantic, trapped deer ran back to the living room.
Someone’s In Our House
When Heather told the 911 dispatcher, “someone broke into our house and is fighting with my husband,” the dispatcher believed her, because she could hear cursing and banging around.
That makes the police come fast. And in force.
My customer in Amsterdam said “you sure looked dumb.” My long statement about the meaning of life? Edited down to me, in my redneck accent, saying “sure was something”
They showed up in no time. In fact, one of them told me that this was the most exciting thing to happen all day. Seeing 16 police offiers approach your house in a big circle with guns drawn is an interesting sight. I opened the window and yelled “it’s a bleep bleep deer.”
By that time I had gotten both of my daughters and had them together in one room. The police opened the front and back doors and the dear ran back out.
The police took good care of us.
Back in those days, I had done a lot of business with the local NBC affiliate. David, the station manger, called the next morning. He said, “Hey, we heard the whole thing on the police scanner. Can I send a crew to your house? I’d like to get the jump on the other stations.”
I agreed. I gave a long, existential statement about the meaning of life, etc. My 2 year old said “Rudolph came to visit”
“Rudolph came to visit” is the perfect 15 second piece during Christmas. So my brother in Chicago saw it on the today show. So did my customers in London. My customer in Amsterdam said “you sure looked dumb.” My long statement about the meaning of life? Edited down to me, in my redneck accent, saying “sure was something”
So if you get your 15 seconds of fame, don’t take too long with a big statement, and don’t say anything dumb, like “sure was something”.